Is Adoption For Me?
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]I remember laying in bed the night after my husband and I decided to begin the adoption process with a thousand thoughts, worries, and doubts racing through my mind. I am not typically a journaller, but I am glad that I listened to the Spirit encouraging me to put pen to paper that night, because I can now share with you verbatim the raw fears that kept me awake that night -- and sometimes still do.
“I am scared. I am scared that what I think is God is really my own selfish desires. How could adopting be selfish? Because I can put off going through pregnancy while getting everyone off my back about kids. Because people at church will admire our decision to adopt without infertility issues. Because I’m scared of and bad at evangelism, and maybe adoption will enable an easy lead-in to Gospel conversations. ‘Why did you adopt?’ ‘Because I was first adopted by the king of kings.’I’m scared it will ruin my marriage. Marriage is easy when life is easy.I’m scared Ryan, or I, won’t be able to attach. What a terrible person I would be.I’m scared everything, EVERYTHING, will become about this child, and I won’t even know who I am anymore.”
After sharing these thoughts with other adoptive or prospective adoptive parents, I have realized how unoriginal my anxiety was. Almost everyone I’ve spoken with could relate to at least one of those things. So, there are three things I want to say to you today.First, you are not alone. I made the mistake of idealizing adoptive parents as wholly courageous and heroic, and therefore creating a standard of perfection for myself. Friends, “fake it till you make it” has no place in Christian community. Once I began to be honest with others about my fear, the shame was ripped away. The words I scribbled out in the dark of night were brought into the light, and I was surprised to learn how many other prospective mothers were also hiding in the pages of their private prayer journals. If you are considering adopting or fostering but are crippled with fear and the shame of that fear, hear me when I say that the orphan care community at Paradox is NOT the crew of self-assured, never-doubting, ever-confident super-Christians that I judged it to be. We are sinful, sometimes-selfish, often-uncertain children of God stumbling along toward a common goal, committed to re-aligning each other’s vision toward the Father when we start to veer off-course.Second, let me gently remind you of the same truth that I have repeatedly preached to myself: fear and anxiety is not God’s plan for you. Jesus taught in Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” By the grace of God, my journal entry on that first night did not end with my fear. It ended with my desperate plea for help in giving my anxiety over to the only one who is strong enough to carry it.
“There it is. My fear. I want to face it or it will consume me without even showing its face to me. Lord, be present in my fear. Fill me up with You so that fear doesn’t have any room to occupy.Today was step 1. Who will he or she be? God knows. He knows that I will never be ready to parent a child. I am too selfish. But I know that he is the perfect Father, and as I run after Him, He will transform me into someone who is a little more like Him. Lord, prepare me. Prepare me to fight for my child, even now as I’m months, maybe years, away from knowing his, her, or their name. As I fight to know You more, I am fighting for the orphan.”
I have not done this perfectly (or anywhere in the vicinity of perfectly). Just last month, Ryan brought to my attention the increased insomnia, loss of appetite, and overall orneriness that generally coincides with me attempting to take back control of an area of my life from God. He led in the decision to take a one-week break from our “adoption to-do list” to focus on God’s preservation and love for us and for our future child. So, it is only with great humility that I urge you to not let worry or uncertainty keep you from whatever calling the Lord has placed on your life (whether that be adoption, fostering, or otherwise). Orphan care is hard, messy, broken work because we are sinful people living in a sinful world. But God will not leave or forsake you (Heb. 13:5), and His grace is sufficient for you (2 Cor. 12:9).Lastly, if you are considering adopting or fostering, or if you would like to learn about other ways you can “give justice to the weak and the fatherless” (Ps. 82:3), the Paradox Orphan Care Team is here to walk alongside you. Email us at orphancare@theparadoxchurch.com - I’d love to be your friend!Bethany EdwardsParadox Partner & Co-Leader of the PRDX Orphan Care Team[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]